I think the anti-deppressant/anti-anxiety (effexor) my doctor gave me is starting to work. The past 2 days I have felt good. Of course, I’ve had my moments but then I snap out of it.
Woke up at 9 today, went to a 11:30 AA meeting, shared about what happened that night. The night I finally hit my bottom. I won’t go into detail, but basically…gin + christina = insanity & jail.
It’s funny, when you tell other addicts/alcoholics what you’ve done. You think they are going to judge you or be shocked, but they aren’t. They’ve done the same shit, or far worse. They just nod and laugh. Makes me feel like I’m not as crazy as I think I am. I have a disease, and I’m working my damn hardest to recover. It’s nice to have people who you can relate to, or people that relate to you. I don’t feel so alone anymore.
Then saw my therapist at 2. She could tell I’m not totally stoked on this whole becoming a real estate agent thing. I want to be able to have red/pink/purple/blue/rainbow hair, tattoos, and piercings without worrying about looking “professional.” I want to be able to be myself. I told her, and I quote “Can’t I just be a trophy wife, or rich and famous?” I know, its not realistic, but hey…a girl can dream right? I guess I’ll just get my license and at least have something to fall back on if that plan doesn’t work out…not sure. Right now all I really need to worry about is staying sober.
I’m going over to my sponsors house at 6 tonight. Finally gonna start working my steps with her and reading the Big Book. I can’t wait to start getting through the steps and hopefully find the serenity everyone keeps talking about in meetings. I can see it in their eyes, I can hear it in the way they talk. I want what they have. Peace, happiness, and serenity in sobriety. Serenity is peace amongst the storm. Sure, they have shitty days and problems in their lives. But AA/NA has given the tools they need to learn how to cope and deal with the harsh reality of life without using/drinking.
In the past 6 years whenever something bad happened, I immediately lit up a bowl, or got a drink, or took a line, took a xanax, ad infinitum…but not anymore. I am ready to face my feelings and character defects…sober.